Dear Buttercup

Buttercup is a new member to VVW, her write-ups reached out to so many people that we gave her, her own page. Feel free to contact her concerning your issues. She can be reached by clicking here.

LIVING WITH PTSD
The first of a five part series

PTSD the most insidious disorder that contributes to a veteran wife thinking she is useless, stupid, unable to think for herself, has to be told what to do, by a man who can’t think for himself because of his own PTSD.  He can think of how to survive, to fight and save a life and how to kill, this he has been trained to do and did it well, but on the battlefield called home it is a different story, he cannot react the same way to a problem that may include confronting an issue, in war you shoot the issue, back home you have to talk, this is a difficult step for most vets to do.

I have been asked hundreds of time what is PTSD?  There are lots of books and articles on the subject, but for those who have lived through it, they never quite tell you how to get through it and live…a wife is always thinking “I’ll cry another day, he has to come first so I will shove my pain aside and stuff it down in my thoughts for another day”!

Ladies mistake number one “don’t forget who you are” don’t lose yourself to look after the pain of your husband, all your doing is stuffing your problems deeper to come out later in a way you may not like.

We live in a world today that is being lost to other countries, lifestyles and money seems to be a God of choice.  Money is always an issue with a combat veteran, because most of those going to war today are married with families and had bills before they left and come home to bigger bills and higher prices and family problems. The issues are, there is no money when they come home, the man or woman veteran has been out of the work loop and has been in combat and when the welcome home is finished then the battlefield  to survive at home begins.

If their was a magic wane you could wave when he starts picking up the furniture and tossing it across the room, or starts yelling because he is frustrated or puts a gun to your head because he wants to prove his point, or spends the last dollar you have on himself when you may need medical attention, the fainting time is when he walks in the door covered with tattoos because he just has to have them, or can’t stand what you cooked because their is something telling him in his mind that it reminds him of something but he can’t tell you because he doesn’t recognize it or relate it to what he has been through, the word “he” is extremely important because if you don’t get “he” in counseling then the chances of survival for both of you will only get tougher and one day you both will be in a screaming match and if you quickly grab a mirror and you look into it you will see your husbands face looking back at you, because PTSD transforms you into him without you even realizing it has taken place, if the mirror cracks, or you go out and get a tattoo with his name on your butt,  then you know it is time to get help. It is at this time you use the magic wane and make sure it is aimed at his head, perhaps he will get the idea he needs help when he ever so loudly tells you, it is you that needs help, not him.

Have I got you going yet?  Any swear words about how crazy I am?  I am certifiable, my secondary PTSD from my late husband being married to a combat veteran for 22 years kicked off when I started the first sentence of this write up the second and third paragraph was set off from my son a gulf war veteran with PTSD.

Lets talk about shrinks there are many good ones out their but they all follow the books they believe to be so accurate.  I would use some of those books for starting my woodstove; at least they can warm me.  Many of the psychiatrists are good if they have lived with or have been in combat themselves, most veteran counselors have never been in combat, and have no idea what a wife goes through, for them they should eat a can of dog food from china and see how it taste and then they could relate to the pain a wife lives with on a daily basis, or drink a glass of dioxin, of course, exposure to chemicals would make them understand the brain a little better, radiation would make them glow in the dark where the vet and or wife could locate them in the dark when they needed a session of counseling.

Don’t get me wrong I am for counseling but a bad counselor can split a marriage faster then a wood splitter splits wood, and he would leave splitters in the psyche that would last for years…

So is their an answer yes and no, don’t like the answer, well it is totally up to the individual whether or not they will get better or worse.  It’s just like when you get married and the preacher says for better or worse!  That preacher never told you your husband or wife would go off to war and bring the war home with him in the form of PTSD, after all he was a wonderful young man with a dream for a future, had a job that could take care of both he and his wife with everything looking rosy.  Then with a kiss good bye, a mom and dad saying good-bye son, I am proud of you for serving our wonderful country that we are giving away to all the other countries but we support the cause and you, now go give them hell!

Well hell is right when he comes home you take one look and say “ah shit” what happened????  I sent a boy to do a man’s job and he came back a gorilla with a bad attitude, he unpeels the banana, flips the peelings on the floor and pees on the trees.
This isn’t really strange behavior for a man returning from a combat mission.  After all did they say excuse me sir I need to use the restroom excuse me from the war for a minute?  

Come on America let’s take this problem of PTSD and as they say in politics “let’s take it for a spin”!

If you really think the veteran likes the way he is, you are so sadly wrong and he needs help immediately.  There are so many issues that compound the problems he brings home.  He cannot recognize his problems even though you do, he doesn’t remember the flashbacks at night when your in the mood for love and you turn over and place your hand on his shoulder and the next thing you see is a gun in your face fully loaded, just because you touched him.  Rule of thumb never touch a combat veteran that has a fully loaded automatic, make sure his gun is unloaded and placed outside of the bed area, after your love making, then its back to the gun under the pillow at least by doing this it is not a smoking gun your smoking after his enjoyment, he can smoke a cigarette instead, it makes perfect since to a seasoned combat wife, it is called duck and dodge and stuff the pain just a little longer, a great title for a song.  As a wife you think you can make everything happen, you can fight his battles for him, plus take care of kids, house, bills with no money coming in, a broken down old car that he trades every time he finds a sucker to buy it because that gives him power to know he succeeded one more time just like in war, it is actual war games he plays with his mind, the difference is he has to win or else he feels like a total failure so he pushes the buttons until the wife is in the corner where he has placed a pillow over her head so he does not have to hear her pleas for him to get help then the word divorce comes out and all hell breaks loose the war is about to begin!

The next issue short term memory loss….

Signed
“Buttercup”

Second Series DSTP...OPPS PTSD
Short-term memory loss




Buttercup here… but I can’t remember what this second series of PTSD is about, so I will ramble for a while until it flashes before my eyes, like the time I had to pay some bills and the money wasn’t in the cookie jar and I remembered “seeing” the receipt for new golf clubs my husband bought, so he could take great delight in hitting a ball around a cow pasture with cow plops for holes. He had a hell of a time cleaning them…my point is it was when the electricity went out; I realized where the extra few dollars went. My question to myself was...could I blame this on his PTSD or my secondary PTSD?  I just can’t remember who I blamed, but I vaguely remember our cat flying across the air with the greatest of ease.  Sometimes PTSD feels like a brain freeze you get it when you drink a very cold drink, so I guess I could call what I feel now when I am trying to remember, a brain freeze related to PTSD. Now listen not all my issues as a vet wife are related to PTSD I just can’t remember which issues those are! Wow ladies, I just found my work gloves in the cat box, now all I need to do is find the damn cat! (I have two cats) My cat sniper was a great cat, my husband tried to shoot him twice. Once in the middle of the night I called out “SNIPER” and I found a loaded rifle in my nose, and I oh so quietly said “honey I don’t need my nose hairs clipped please put the rifle down and go back to sleep!”  We changed the cat’s name and found a new home for the cat!

I think I remember now what I forgot. It is short term memory loss from PTSD, the good thing about short term memory loss ladies is you quickly forget your husband’s birthday, his breakfast, lunch and dinner and when asked “why” you simply say “I couldn’t remember how to cook”, and I forgot where you put the money for your birthday present and honey when I went out to get in the car it was gone! But a note was left saying “next time pay on time”…so I guess I forgot to remember to send in the car payments, because you spent the money on golf clubs, balls, club membership…and you told me you just couldn’t remember where the money went? And I forgot to remember if I cared! So we walk for a while!

Veterans in combat have experienced at a critical time how everything they are doing is in slow motion and they seem very alert to what is around them, ladies has this ever happened to you?  If all of us would slow down to this kind of slow motion we may see what life with a veteran is really all about.  A veteran always goes at Mach speed and he expects you to be ready, willing and able to go and if you’re not ready then “Oh Well”!

Once I had an emergency and I had to fly out that night and with my short-term memory kicking into gear my only thoughts were gather and go. So I got dressed, packed and brush hair, teeth all at the same time.  I was used to rush or be left behind if I don’t go at mach speed.  Well this is all fine and good except I had to get on the plane, and immediately go to the hospital as my dad was in the Intensive Unit, as I was debarking the plane I discovered I had my husbands levis on…I was quite the sight my husband was very tall and about 250 pounds, I was 5’6” 135 pounds and I discovered I had been holding my pants up all the way and literally walking on the bottom of the Levi’s as I had been conditioned from the PTSD just dress and go. It was at this time I realized just how much I was like my husband without me realizing it, including his short-term memory.  My luggage was lost somewhere at another airport but it did give my dad a laugh when he exited the hospital. You could say my pants made me feel 6 foot tall!

Now I don’t want you ladies and gentlemen to mis-understand me and think I am paranoid being a vet wife, but I do sleep with my eyes open and fully dressed, with a duffle bag full of clothes at the end of the bed…I have learned how to shoot a gun, fix a car, read roadmaps, do my nightly perimeter walk, smoke a cigarette and shave my legs with a very sharp knife…. lucky for him I can’t remember where I put the bullets!

Signed
"Buttercup"

Remember PTSD is a giant that encompasses the entire family. Seek counseling before you look and sound like Buttercup!  Sometimes she doesn’t hit on all spark plugs but does know PTSD and it’s effects. But please keep her in your prayers…Buttercup writes from her own experience’s with PTSD she has no PhD except in being a vet wife and felt it was time to write issues woman can relate to instead of books well written but not touching the heart of the matter.  You know politically correct writings! Buttercup could care less about the politics of anything just hard living!

Next series write up on PTSD will be surviving depression

DEPPRESSSSION

For the Veteran/Wife

What is depression?  Well I have decided to type this from my bed.  I got up early this morning, 11:00, put my gorilla slippers on, turned on the coffee, slipped on my chenille bathrobe, looked outside to see if the grass was still there and then went back to bed.

It is difficult to write about depression. Since I don’t feel I have it. Even though, the shrinks told me that my Secondary PTSD was certainly kicking in; well what do they know about my real feelings?  I don’t share them with anyone, much less those that think they know so much, I just pile up in bed, grab my teddy bear, a bunch of donuts, several movies to slip in the DVD player, a bottle of the latest drugs on the market, and a bottle of the latest wine, to make me sleep, put the phone on hold, and of course feel sorry for myself because no one understands my innermost feelings of wanting to slip into the darkness of the night with a tall dark stranger riding on a powerful stud that will sweep me away from life as I presently know it, and with gas prices as they are it would have to be a horse with two saddles he would sweep me away on, as I am not a light weight.  I tend to eat everything insight to ease my pain and watch the exercise programs on TV.

Depression, let’s see I can describe it as an excellent way to waste away amongst the sheets, and turn people away that try to help.  I try to make others as miserable as I am.  What is life really all about?  Is it the sweet little woman standing at the door with a cup of coffee when my man comes home?  Well for me I prefer a hammer that I could hand him when he comes in the door because the new fixture he put up just fell off the wall, just missing my head.  I try hard to understand his PTSD/depression, but it is like pouring water into a glass with no bottom. It just drops to the floor for me to clean up, leaving me deeper into the miry clay.

Life can be wonderful for some but for me it is like ice on a 104-degree day, it just disappears into vapors.  Well I guess it’s time for me to crawl out of bed, at least remove my gorilla slippers, it is 5:00 in the afternoon, the coffee has taken its toll on me, and I have to think about dinner, that is what temperature to turn the oven too for his TV dinner or hand him the cookbook when he gets home…I guess I will close this session take my chenille robe off, slip on a new flannel nighty, and crawl under the sheets……….hope your day was better than mine…goodnight…

Buttercup

If the above write-up reminds you of you please get to a doctor soon and get some help, chances are you do have deep depression. Life is beautiful if you look at it thru both eyes open, instead of with blinders on.  It is not easy for the returning soldiers/wives with PTSD or those in previous wars.  It is extremely important that couples get help because PTSD/depression is like a tornado, it hits all in its path.