A Caring Wife standing by her "New Man".

The NEW Man I Live With



My husband and I met during high school and married 3 years later (I was 19, he was 22).  About two years later, after the attacks on the WTC & Pentagon on Sept 11, 2001, my husband joined the Army.  I respected and honored his decision.  I was intensely proud that he was willing to step up – to defend his country – to willingly go to war to protect his homeland.

The man I was married to in 2001 was kind, sweet, and unbelievably tender.  Random strangers would stop us in grocery stores and parks to tell us how incredibly “in love” we looked.  They told me how blessed I was to be married to a man that so obviously adored me.  I didn’t realize at the time how right they were.

Fast forward seven years.  My husband has spent a little over 27 months in Iraq, both tours in “hot spots” as part of an Infantry unit.  He has spent days & months on end surrounded by bad guys, trying to determine who was friend and who was foe, doing his best to keep himself and the guys around him alive.  His unit stopped taking count of bodies at 684 – just about 3 months into their last tour of 12 months.  My husband was raised in the woods, can shoot accurately at several hundred feet, and thus played a large part as the “go to” guy in his unit for “touchy” situations.  My husband turned into an excellent soldier at the same time he turned into a pretty bad husband.

I’m no shrinking violet.  I rose to the occasion as a military wife.  Acted as FRG leader, conducted fundraising campaigns, didn’t complain about deployments, training, or other military activities that called my husband away.  And really, now, I don’t mean to sound like I’m ranting about what “the military” did to our family.  I’m still incredibly proud of my husband’s service and intensely patriotic – I  was just so completely unprepared for the aftermath of OIF.

I now live with a new husband.  He looks the same (or pretty much the same) but now seldom touches me, stands and stares at me if I cry, flies off the handle at the smallest unwelcome surprise, curses at me, screams, throws things, etc., etc.  If it weren’t so scary and sad, I would say he reminds me of an out-of-control three year old – kicking and screaming because he can’t process the world around him.  I’m not sure why I wanted to add this to the “VVW Views” – but I guess it’s to say to anyone out there who is now living with a NEW husband that you’re not alone.  I was feeling so very alone until I called the VVW and talked to Danna.  In the space of an hour on the phone, she let me know I wasn’t alone because thousands of other women are going through and have gone through the same thing with husbands who are suffering from PTSD.  There’s a strength that comes from not feeling like the “only one” – a strength that I’m thankful to have – a strength I need to get through the coming days as our family tries to cope and learn to live again – a strength I hope to share with any of you who need it.

Thanks for listening,

Still Standing Beside My “New” Man

25 Years by his side


After 40 years, my husband is finally getting the psyche and medical treatment he needs.
Unfortunately it came close to the cost of his life.
After two years of surviving on creative renditions of chicken and beannie weanie dinners, the money from over 25 years, of both of us working over time, was almost gone. Thoughts of living on the street were not encouraging at the age of 60.
So began the humiliating efforts of applying for compensation. After two years of paper shuffling, doctor visits, and horrendous medications, my husband finally got his permanent and total 100% disability for service related PTSD.
His comment when the papers arrived? " I would gladly give it all back, if I could only go back to work like I used to." With his determination came life threatening medications, and a severe loss of self pride.
I have stood with him for over 25 years, and plan to be here from now on. But it breaks my heart in any case.
My only hopes at this point are that the vets returning today will not be forgotten nor looked down upon.

STRESS TAKES ITS TOLL ON WIVES

In the /beginning:

Stress comes in all different forms but the stress that comes from PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is very near and dear to a veteran wife.  We tend to forget what our husbands think is important; we go to the nearest corner put our nose to the wall and cry a lot.  Then our spouse comes home and says and what is wrong with you!  At this point your about to tell him with words I can’t print, but then our short term memory loss kicks into gear and we give the blank stare like who am I?   Wasn’t like this before I married him, is this PMS? Children growing up syndrome? Middle age I don’t know if I love you anymore? I think I need to look to greener pastures, why did I give up my job? Hot flashes in reverse? Hot flashes?   Wow a discovery…it is PTSD…so where do I go for help? What is it, it sounds scary. I wonder if other women have the same issues and problems. A quick call to a friend who tells you she does not understand where you’re coming from and you need to go spend some money to make you feel better. If your married to a combat veteran chances are there is no money or he is spending it out on the golf course, buying and reselling anything that has wheels on it or while your gone cleaning house his way, which means throwing out all your garage sale items…to be continued next month

                        Written by D
                    A combat wife/widow

“ LADIES THE FIGHT HAS BEGUN AND WE NEED YOUR HELP”



Dear Veteran Wives;

The time as know come to stand up and fight for justice for our beloved veterans who use the Veteran Hospitals across the Nations.  

It has been brought to the Nations attention that negligence is obvious in our Veteran Hospital’s, and as wives and family members we are looked upon as “an obvious parasite” when “WE” try to display our dislikes of what the VA does to our husbands. Like “overmedicate”, use too many PA’S in place of MD’s, lack of complete medical check up, misdiagnosis or no diagnosis, just the administering of more pills. The fact that they take five minutes to check their condition after they have drivin 150 miles to get to the closest VA hospital. And then they are told another appointment will be needed, so the VA can display the same insane rationale.
Above are just some of the reason’s. I didn’t even get into the facts of the VA not caring that the veteran’s in rural areas lack the funds to get to the VA to be seen.

Vietnam Veteran Wives has had enough, And are asking for your help to begin a petition.

We began our National Veteran Center in 1996 to provide help to twenty thousand veterans in three counties in the rural areas of Washington State, and now we want to help the veterans and veteran wives all over the nation, because ladies I don’t know if you realize that upon your husband’s death you get nothing! The monies stop for VA disability claims and social security. “Unless” he has had that service connection for ten years, or passes on due to a service connected disability, you get left out… so all the blood sweat and tears, and the constant caring for your husband, whom you love, will all be lost.

So join us and get on our petition to regain dignity as a veterans wife “Don’t let the VA ignore the veterans wives!”

Yes, our brave young men and woman are dying daily and many left with horrendous disabilities, leaving the veterans wives empty, alone after they pass, with no money.

Let’s see just how much they care, it is up to you who read this to help correct the problem.
VVW’s motto has always been: “Together we stand divided our loved ones die”!

Please mail me your experience with the VA hospitals in your area.

Call our veteran center at 509 775-8893, e-mail us thru our feedback page or write to VVW P.O. Box 396, Republic, Washington 99166,and we will get back to you.

To all of you, from A Vietnam Veteran Widow and the mother of a Desert Storm Veteran, ”Let the battle begin”!

…THERE IS NO SCORN LIKE THAT OF A VET WIFE!   


Danna Hughes